songbird_becca

I had reason to dig up and link to this post while chatting with new-friend Alexander. They then said nice things about me doing things full and colourful even when my brain is being shit and I said NO STOP RUDE because I am good at making friends. Luckily they also speak internet, so they made me this meme in return:



And the thing it's making me think of most, irritatingly, is therapy a couple weeks ago and talking about the ways things aren't working and how I worry my brain was better n years ago, it feels like when I reread all these old posts I was doing so much better mentally.

Except of course in my love life, because like, I was way more struggling with jealousy and security and my role in 2019 and I really haven't had emo about that like that....well, since 2020, probably. Maybe 2021? It's not like my relationships are emo-free, just that like.

And like, okay, I'm worse at my job this year than I have been some years, but I'm also much more experienced and steady in my job just in general. And I've gotten a lot better at the union work side of it, and being loud there. And somewhat better at the comrade-not-cop side of working with the students (gods I love being better able to make relationships with the students, it feels so good.)

And man, one of the things I was rereading recently was all the wordsfile from when I ran Scottish Pinewoods in 2020, which was not *quite* the height of me feeling disconnected from the RSCDS but it was maybe the really sharp start of it, the part where it was really beginning to hit me how much my hobby didn't love me. And wow, all the work I have put into making my own dance class that I can have fun with and drag other people into and hopefully be a good time...that's really good work I've done, that's consistently good work, I'm super proud of that work.

Also like now I am learning how to knit and somehow that's a thing where I can force myself to just say the vulnerable words about it and not just lock up all the imposter-syndrome and rejection-sensitive-dysphoria deep in my heart where no one can see it, and so I've had some really lovely and thoughtful conversations with people who are *much* better at this thing where they just straight up explain the things kindly and happily and don't at all make me feel dumb for it.

And then there's the thing that happened recently, where I was chatting with someone about how I'm not relationship 101 material, that the whole polyamorous-kinky-genderqueer-HSV1+-ADHDnightmarechild thing should really not be your first serious relationship. Those are the parts I put in, the reasons. Long time readers might observe that there's something missing that you might expect from the list of why it's complicated to date me, and it's not that I'm _over_ being sexually abused as a seventeen year old by a man the same age I am now, you never get like, _over_ that, but I have put in enough work to make it a *lot* less relevant to my day-to-day.

...huh.

Okay. Fine.

Maybe I am allowed to accept a compliment on my personal growth once in a while. Don't you dare get all uppity and expect it'll work every time! I can still be crazy as sin, don't you worry!

But it's nice to be able to find evidence that I am growing. It's all I ever wanted. I hope you're growing too. The opposite is stagnation, you deserve better than that. So do I.

~Sor
MOOP!

One of the many charming moments about the like, 90 minutes I stood around post-dance in a little cluster of seven of us, sharing stories and chatting, was when Alexander and Willow, both here from Philly, said something lamenting the lack of Rita's in Massachusetts. "At some point we're going to go on an Adventure to visit the one currently open in like, Walpole" one of them said, and immediately I am grabbing Thrantar with one hand and Alexander with the other and near-shrieking "take us with you!"

The four of us then had to explain what on earth a Ritas is and why it matters so to the three New England natives. We almost managed? Maybe we'll let them join on our Adventure and then they can see what it's like.

~Sor
MOOP!